Ghetto Style Artichoke Dip – Mature Audiences Only

Join our guest blogger today as she shares a crowd pleasing recipe for any event. Compliments of Sole Mate:


The recipe is legit, but the prep is totally ghetto.Â


1 big ass jar of artichoke hearts (about a cup of artichokes), marinated (this adds crazy flavor) 1 cup parm. cheese (not the shredded bag kind, or the shaky, Kraft kind, but the granular stuff you can get in a plastic container, usually in the special cheese section) 1 cup mayo (yuck, I know) ½ teaspoon lemon juice (fresh squeezed or from the little bottle) ¼ teaspoon garlic powder 1 bag sliced almonds (I forget the brand, but I know it’s not Blue Diamond. They’re in a yellowish bag, and it shows the almonds on a salad. Get the original, which are salted and tasty) Â

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

 Drain the artichokes well, and then put them into a medium size mixing bowl. You will next need to mash them. At this point, you might be asking yourself how to go about doing this. The answer is simple: dig into the trash for that artichoke heart jar you just threw away, clean off the coffee grounds, carrot peels, snotty tissues, etc., then use the bottom to mash the artichokes into mushy pieces. This should take about two minutes, maybe less if you’re really mad about just having had to reach into your garbage can.   It should also be said that if you have a well-equipped kitchen (meaning you’re either Martha Stewart or still live with your parents), that you may have some sort of kitchen device created for just such a mashing project. I use an old potato masher that I scored from my grandpa’s house when he died. (Holla at your girl, Apo!)   Â

The key is to get the artichokes œmushy. Also, make sure to drain out any excess liquid that was produced from the mashing or your dip will be runny and oily, much like the anal discharge resulting from eating the ill-fated WOW! chips made with Olestra. RIP, WOW! chips.

Add the rest of the ingredients. I usually use a bit more than a cup of cheese, and sometimes skip the lemon entirely. The lemon will make the dip a little more tart than creamy, so add it according to your taste. Do not”I repeat, DO NOT”do what my mother recently did and use a whole, fresh-squeezed lemon in this recipe. I don’t know what she was thinking (or smoking), but I think there was wine involved in her decision to do so, which resulted in a visually pleasing dip, but that tasted like vomit. Also, if for some reason you didn’t follow my directions and used artichokes that weren’t marinated, you might want to use more than ¼ teaspoons of garlic powder so the dip doesn’t taste like mayonnaise and cheese pie. Mix this well (a rubber spatula works best for this step), then put into a round baking dish. You shouldn’t need to grease it as there is enough mayo in this to last you the rest of your life. I use a nice stoneware dish I stole from my mom, but you can use any dish in which you can bake. Just make sure the dip stands about ½ to 1 inch in the pan, or it will burn, and then you handled that mayo for nothing.Â

Top with the sliced almonds and bake for 30 minutes, or until the almonds start to brown. It’s best served warm, but give the mayonnaise a few minutes to congeal. This time for you will be best spent trying not to think about mayonnaise congealing.   Â

Serve with crackers (triscuts work really well) or thinly sliced baguette. And a word to wise¦..set out one of those little serving knifes or even a full-sized knife or your heathen friends will start dipping their crackers right into it. You might even have a friend who dips veggies into it, which I feel can only be described as a desperate attempt to make a dish which is mostly comprised of mayonnaise more healthy. Nice try, wcdish.Â

The Final Dish: This dip is awesome, and usually a crowd pleaser. Just don’t talk about the mayonnaise.  Â