I almost blinded my friend today as I attempted to squeeze lemon into my Diet Coke at Market Street Grille (irrelevant to this article: their apple almond raisin chicken salad special is an amazing lunch choice, if you can manage such a tongue-twister of an order). My friend, who luckily regained his eyesight, gently reminded me that I should probably cover the lemon with my hand next time I squeeze it into my drink. It was then that I realized I could probably use a lesson in table manners, as could, I imagine, many WC Dishers.
What’s that? Manners are obsolete, you say? Although a lack of table etiquette doesn’t always result in devastating physical ailments, I still contend that having good manners is essential. Whether you’re wining and dining with business bigwigs or are simply out for pizza with your friends, manners show that you respect yourself and those around you. The trouble is, many of us born after 1950 either lack knowledge about appropriate table manners or are rarely put in a situation where we feel we need to use them. Contemporary dining may be a bit more relaxed than the typical Victorian afternoon tea, but trust me, grace is eternal.
WC Dish proudly presents
your guide to being a class act:
Turn off your cell phone or PDA.
Nobody at your table or in the restaurant wants to listen to your one-sided conversation (“Dude, she said what?!”). Text messaging is also unacceptable. Unless you’re expecting a newborn, turn your cell phone or blackberry on vibrate. Or better yet, leave it in the car.
That’s your napkin, not a bib.
As soon as you sit down, make sure to unfold your napkin and place it on your lap. Do NOT stuff it into your shirt, no matter how dribbly those buffalo wings are. If you drop your napkin, ask your server for another one. Leave your napkin on your lap until you’re done with your meal, including dessert.
“It’s a dinglehopper!”
When using silverware, work from the outside in. Most places will give you two forks to the left of your plate, as well as a knife and spoon on your right. Use the (sometimes smaller) fork on your far left for salad. If you’re somewhere really fancy, the fork and spoon above your plate are intended for dessert (mmm, lucky!). And remember, no matter what that charismatic seagull told you; don’t use your fork as a hairbrush.
Eat with your hands.
The good news is that, even in formal situations, using your fingers to eat certain food, like artichokes or asparagus (as long as it isn’t covered in sauce), is okay. In fact, you should always use your fingers to eat bread (see below). Of course, when eating informal foods, such as sandwiches, fries or hamburgers, using your fingers is perfectly fine.
We all like bread and butter…
but, so few of us eat it correctly. First, take one slice or piece of bread from the basket (if unsliced, it’s okay to rip off a piece of bread as long as you’re neat about it). Then, after politely asking for the butter, use your knife to take a dab of butter and put it on your plate. Finally, tear off a small piece of bread and butter only that piece, not your whole hunk of bread. Repeat as needed.
Whatever happens, think James Bond.
Ever seen 007 burp or spit out a piece of bad food? Probably not. But if he had to, he’d do it like a gentleman. Whatever happens at the table, keep your cool and try to draw as little attention to your faux pas as possible, whatever it may be. When eating messy food, dab your mouth lightly with your napkin (never wipe). If you burp, quietly say “excuse me” and move on. If you have to spit out a piece of food, use the utensil you ate with to put it back onto a corner of your plate, and try to cover it up with other food. Let’s face it: shiitake happens, but use your common sense.
As my nearly blinded friend will attest, I still goof up every now and again. To hear from a REAL manners expert, head to your bookstore or library and check out a Miss Manners’ book. Not only do these books contain some hilarious stories, but she really knows her stuff. Miss Manners, aka Judith Martin, even won the 2005 National Humanities Award (and you thought manners weren’t important!).
Check it out on Amazon: Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior: The Ultimate Handbook to Modern Etiquette, by Judith Martin
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